Chiara, 56

I find pleasure in being wanted; there’s a primal, radical desire there

When Frank and I met more than 25 years ago, there wasn’t a lot of reading material around on BDSM. Looking back, we were doing things without knowing there were terms for them. We were partying a lot and sex was super kinky – we didn’t have a filter and it allowed us to be who we were.

We began to notice that I have responsive desire, rather than proactive desire. For example, at the beginning Frank would check if I wanted to have sex and I told him just go for it, you never need to check with me. And it’s been that way ever since. Only in the past three years, when doing more research around BDSM, did we realise there is a name for this – “free use” – and that I have given him a blanket consent to sex.

I’m not sure where the psychological motivation comes from, but my body responds to having sex this way. It is as if every cell in my body lights up and, even if I won’t have an orgasm, I feel great for the rest of the day, sometimes for the next few days. I find pleasure in being wanted; there’s a primal, radical desire there.

It doesn’t come from a place of him wanting to “be the boss”, but from a place of care. Outside sex, for example, Frank takes care of the house finances.

It doesn’t come from a place of him wanting to ‘be the boss’, but it comes from a place of care

We are parents, and while our kids were growing up we had sex, but it was more for survival than excitement. Now they are older and spend less time in the house, we’ve had more time to learn about BDSM and get in touch with the community. It’s been incredible to discover the things we’ve been doing instinctually are actually symbolic and meaningful. We now have this new vocabulary and set of tools, so we can channel our sexual energy into more experimentation.

I am very powerful and independent in my work life – hardly anybody says no to me. So the fact that I have somebody who challenges me is brilliant. Our relationship makes me feel as if I’ve won the lottery of life because I have exactly what I need and want, with a person that I trust – and we have so much fun.

Frank, 58

Being the dom means getting a chance to celebrate and recognise my strength, but in a loving manner

We met in a club in 1997 and just knew that we were going to be together. I also knew the sex I wanted to have, and that some people may have judged for it. I lacked self-confidence and felt as if I was hiding. It was frightening because I don’t want to harm anyone. But, of course, that point of view came from a lack of understanding. Then I met Chiara and what we were doing was risky and adventurous, but we didn’t have a name for it. We were just having fun.

After three years together we had kids, and things calmed down. It was only when the kids went to university that we resumed having the kind of sex we’d had when we first met. With the benefit of 20 years’ experience, we’ve realised what we were doing was BDSM. It almost came as a shock to me.

I came to terms with my role as a dom because it was something that the woman I love wanted

The bondage and masochism isn’t a big part of our sex life – it’s the dominance and submission that we work with. I came to terms with my role as a dom because it was something that the woman I love wanted. If she wants me to dominate her, I will. It brings her such happiness, and that makes me feel good. The sub has all the power. And for me, being the dom means getting a chance to celebrate and recognise my strength, but in a loving manner.

We’ve got a trustworthy relationship, both sexually and in other areas of our lives. Chiara will do anything for me. We have a free use agreement where she doesn’t refuse sex, but I know not to take advantage of that, and she trusts me not to tell her to do anything she wouldn’t want to. For example, if we’re at a bar I don’t ask what she wants to drink, I’ll say: “You’re going to have a white wine.” It’s a 24/7 power exchange. I am pleased to do it, and I take it as a responsibility. It gives me a sense of worth. This kind of respect and trust is wonderful.