Name: “Live, Laugh, Love” signs.

Age: About 15 years.

Appearance: Just the most awful things you’ve ever seen.

Hey, steady on. I have a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in my living room. Then you’re a horrible person with bad taste.

That’s subjective. I mean, there’s been a survey about it and everything. Are you going to argue with a survey?

No, I suppose not. Good. A fabric company asked 2,000 people for the home decor choices that gave them the biggest ick, and 31% replied with “A Live, Laugh, Love sign.”

So that’s the biggest offender? Actually, no. The worst thing was a colourful bathroom suite, and second was a leopard-print rug, but the sign is a close third.

What else is on the list? Oh, you know, Artex ceilings, fluffy toilet seat covers, net curtains, a “Beware of the dog” sign.

But what if you’ve got a dog that people should beware of? Bad luck, they’ll just have to get bitten to shreds. Rather that than look mildly uncool in front of 2,000 arbitrarily chosen strangers.

Back to the “Live, Laugh, Love” issue. If we must.

What’s wrong with it? Originally, nothing. The term is thought to be an abridged version of Bessie Anderson Stanley’s 1904 poem Success, which begins, “He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.”

See? Beautiful. There’s also the line “live, love, laugh and be happy” from the song When the Red, Red Robin (Comes Bob Bob Bobbin’ Along), popularised by Al Jolson. Even James Joyce used a version of Anderson Stanley’s line in Finnegans Wake: “They lived und laughed ant loved end left.”

Those are all important cultural works. Yes, but you didn’t put the sign in your living room because you’re fond of Finnegans Wake, did you? You put it there because you are only capable of expressing the most basic emotions in the most patronisingly simplistic way. I bet you’ve got a “Keep Calm and Carry On” sign too, haven’t you?

No. Oh.

But I do have a “Keep Calm and Drink Coffee” mug. What is wrong with you?

What’s wrong with you? Isn’t it good to be able to live and laugh and love? Not now I’ve heard how you decorate your house, no.

Isn’t home decor cyclical, anyway? Now that “Live, Laugh, Love” is out of fashion, isn’t it only a matter of time before it becomes cool again? Maybe as an adhesive wall sticker? With multiple fonts? Nope. I won’t let it happen. History exists to prevent us from repeating such tragic mistakes.

Do say: “Bin your ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ sign.”

Don’t say: “Your ‘In This House We Do Hugs’ sign is still extremely cool.”