Late-night hosts discuss an unsurprising result for the Super Tuesday primaries (except in American Samoa), Nikki Haley’s refusal to explicitly endorse Donald Trump as she ends her presidential campaign and Mitch McConnell’s parting act as Senate minority leader.

Seth Meyers

Seth Meyers mourned the end of the former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley’s campaign on Wednesday, after she underperformed on Super Tuesday. Speaking to Meet the Press, Haley refused to say whether she was still bound by a previous Republican National Committee pledge to support Trump in November. “I think I’ll make what decision I want to make,” she said, “but that’s not something I’m thinking about.”

“The election you were just in is not something you’re thinking about right now?” the Late Night host scoffed. “See, this is why you lost. Your lies are boring. At least Trump’s lies have some art to them.

“Why would anyone in the Republican party give a damn about a GOP pledge when the guy who runs the GOP has never been bound by any pledge ever in his life?” he continued. “He hasn’t been bound by a pledge to remain faithful in his marriage, a pledge to honor the constitution, a pledge to pay his contractors, a pledge to pay his taxes, or a pledge not to tell people to cure Covid by drinking Pledge.”

In her final campaign speech, Haley assured that “it is now up to Donald Trump to earn the votes of those in our party and beyond it who did not support him, and I hope he does that.”

“Yeah, that definitely sounds like my dude Donald Trump,” Meyers deadpanned. “A compassionate uniter who will reach out to different points of view. And in fact, as Haley was delivering that speech, Trump was reciprocating her well wishes with a characteristically kind, humble and complimentary post about Haley on his social media site.”

What Trump actually said, on Truth Social, was: “Nikki Haley got TROUNCED last night, in record setting fashion.”

“When are these people going to learn that no matter what you say about Trump, he will never repay your kindness or loyalty?” Meyers wondered. “If you held the elevator door open for Trump, he’d press every button, loudly fart and then say, ‘enjoy the ride, loser!’”

Stephen Colbert

Despite waning enthusiasm, Biden and Trump dominated Super Tuesday. “Now for a rematch that everyone claims they don’t want, it’s awfully popular at the polls,” explained Stephen Colbert on the Late Show. “It’s like the whole nation is ordering takeout and deciding, ‘OK, we’re going to do the Thai place again. Even though the noodles stick together in a weird cube that’s shaped like the box it comes in, as long we all agree we’re not getting the sweet-and-sour Nikki Haley.’”

Biden did lose the Democratic caucuses in American Samoa to Jason Palmer, a “previously little-known long-shot challenger”, according to Axios. “Yes previously little known, also currently little known,” said Colbert. “I myself just recently learned that a Jason Palmer is half Jason half lemonade.”

Palmer got 56% of the vote to Biden’s 44% – “where my Pal-maniacs at?” Colbert joked. “I mean, come on, it’s electric! This guy makes Dean Phillips look like Ryan Binkley. And if you know who those people are, you’re too invested in politics, go see Dune or something.”

Despite the small victory, Phillips suspended his campaign on Wednesday afternoon. “Evidently, he wants to spend more time with his family reminding them who he is,” said Colbert.

Colbert also touched on Mitch McConnell’s official endorsement of Donald Trump for president. “This is a final cynical act of evil and cowardice from a man who has made a cynical career of it,” he said. “McConnell has already stepped down from the leadership and his parting gesture is to hand his shriveled blue ballsack to the man who launched racist attacks on his wife, called him a ‘dumb son of a bitch’ and a ‘broken-down crow’.”

The Daily Show

And on the Daily Show, guest host Ronny Chieng lamented the “baby boomer death grip” on American politics, though Haley did win the Republican primary in Vermont on Tuesday. “Nikki won the ‘Subaru owner who makes their own honey’ voting bloc! You can build on that, Nikki Haley. 2024, baby!”

Nevertheless, she dropped out on Wednesday, leaving Trump the presumptive nominee. “Nooo, don’t quit now, Nikki! You were only 80,000 delegates behind!” Chieng joked. “If you drop out, who will little girls without any principles, convictions or charisma look up to?”

Chieng then took a moment to address Haley directly: “Nikki, I’m sorry. I don’t know why everyone, including myself, is being so mean to you. I was actually rooting for you, because I know that you were just trying to save your party and the world from Donald Trump, and all we ever did was shit on you because you’re such a giant loser who sucks so bad. Ugh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m doing it again!

“Please consider this a formal and sincere apology, we should’ve done a lot better, he continued. “Like you should’ve done in your home state where you lost by 20 points like a loser! I’m sorry I can’t stop! But I swear to God, if you turn around and endorse Trump I will … totally be expecting that.”