My lover and I are in our 70s, have been friends for years and are enjoying the best, most intimate sex of our lives. But I struggle to orgasm in front of him. I wish I could see what other women look like when they do but I’m too scared to search for it on the internet. He is very considerate and when he sees that I am close to an orgasm, he leaves me alone for a few minutes with my vibrator. When he hears me climax, he comes back because he wants to hold me and share it. I’d like to understand what is stopping me from doing it while he is lying next to me or watching. I think it could be because I feel at a disadvantage. Unlike me, he probably has seen other women masturbating and climaxing. We are in a close and loving relationship, so he can’t understand this last inhibition of mine. I hesitate to talk to him about it as I don’t want him to look back at previous partners and compare me with them.

You do not have to feel bad about a very normal response. Most of us were taught that masturbation was wrong or “dirty”, and for that reason it is hardly surprising you are now programmed to keep it private. Most of us have developed ideas of what is sexually “normal” from unreliable sources – media, pornography, friends. As a couple you have developed a style that works for you, and that is wonderful. Your partner is acting in a very loving and considerate manner, so relax, be grateful for that and appreciate that you are well understood.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.